I pooped on my mom

Do you ever get in trouble with your kid for embarrassing them? They be like “OMG Mom stop embarrassing me!”.  You’re so “EW!”

Why do we do this to our kids? I mean, how dare we drive them to school? Or heaven forbid, waving! “ OMG Mom, don’t wave to me. That’s tots embarrassing!”  Oh sorry sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Listen, I have a solution to the embarrassing part of being driven to school by your loving, laundry-doing, lunch-making, grocery-shopping mother. I bought a black cabbie hat to wear from now on so that your friends think you have a personal chauffeur. I also had one of those magnets made for the car door - you know, the ones realtors use. It says “His Highness’s Personal Delivery Service”. 

Are you kidding? 

Will I  stop waving at you? Why would you ask such a question? Let me ask you something? Would you rather me flip you the bird? Give you the Heil Hitler. Stand at attention and give you the good ol’ American military salute? I can think of a lot more embarrassing things to do to you than waving.

And by the way, if you want to talk about who's embarrassing who, then let’s recap your short little life so far… Let’s take a poll: raise your hand if you’ve ever pooped on anyone? 

Hmmm. My hand is conspicuously absent from the air. But, what’s this? I do believe your appendages should be rising toward the heavens.

Yep, that’s right pouty pants - you pooped on me! In Public! MORE THAN ONCE!!! You also peed on me, threw up in my hair, pulled my nursing cover off exposing my lady parts to all the people sitting nearby eating coffee… thank goodness they were all on their phones except for the 4 year old little boy whose eyes popped out of his head causing him to drop his whipped cream on the floor and then burst into tears. Good times. 

You’ve thrown temper-tantrums that make people think I’m kidnapping you; you stuck a french fry up your nose - then choked, and you hollered “Look Mommy, an umpa lumpa” when you saw a little person at the grocery store!

So - darling child - I reject your embarrassed face and reserve the right to embarrass you until the day I can no longer draw breath.